The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Hey everybody, I apologize for taking so long to write this post. To be honest, there were a few reasons why I haven’t posted in a while. I went to Northern California and up to Idaho for nearly a month so I wasn’t on my laptop much. Also, I have been helping my youngest brother, Brady with some work he needed over the past few weeks. I’ve also been spending a lot of time sending out job applications without yielding results which has been incredibly discouraging.

I was working on a post while I was in Idaho, but I decided not to post it because many of you don’t need to hear me venting about my issues. Writing down my frustrations was good, but I don’t need to burden you with that. Plus it was pretty negative as well. While I don’t want to post stuff here that is just “success stories” or “find your purpose.” I also want to be transparent in how I’m truly feeling, both the good, the bad, and the ugly. I had to go through a lot of the bad and the ugly before I was able to experience some of the good. 

Throughout my adult life, I’ve been plagued with depression, self-hatred, and comparing myself with other people. I still struggle with this today. And as a man that is approaching his 37th birthday, I feel that I don’t have much to show for it. I can’t hold a job for longer than a few years and it’s discouraging. I’ve been told ever since I was young that I would never amount to anything in this world. Fortunately, I had a solid foundation comprised of an amazing family, close friends, and a religious institution that helped me to better cope with this type of verbal abuse.

But as an adult, I’m more or less on my own. And I’ve had a rocky relationship with myself, mostly an abusive and toxic relationship. I’ve had thoughts over the years that the world would be better off without me. Fortunately, I never acted on those thoughts, but they still haunt me from time to time. The seeds of self-hatred were sewn while I was in college for my first couple of years. I had grandiose ideas in my head that since I did so well at the business college I went to, finding a solid career job would be easier with a degree. Sadly, that has not been the case.

And I don’t need to bother you about my “takes” as to why that is. Upon my military discharge, I finally came to terms that I have Autism. My condition is called Asperger’s Syndrome and several years ago, was added to the Autistic spectrum. My mom said I had it since birth, but I lived in denial until last year. I’ve contemplated, “Why is it so hard for me to find a career job? Do I just suck at interviewing? Is my resume that bad? Are normal people struggling as much as I am with finding a career in a relevant field? Is it because of my Asperger’s where I give too much unnecessary information in an interview?” The list of thoughts goes on and on. 

I can’t speak for everyone with this condition, but for me at least, Asperger’s has been a unique challenge, especially socially. I’ve learned through much trial and error how to better communicate with people. I still slip up occasionally, but I’ve come a long way since my childhood. Hell, even since I was in my late teens and early twenties. I have always sucked at small talk and I hated it. Now, it has been a great learning experience. I don’t need to tell everyone a long, drawn-out response to people who either don’t know me very well or frankly don’t care. I’m so used to talking with friends where I have deep, context-filled conversations, so learning how to speak to a regular person about stuff that I perceive as shallow has been challenging. Sometimes, I am uncomfortable talking to people who know my family whom I don’t know and I will stutter, lose my train of thought, or even blank out and make a fool out of myself. I dreaded these types of conversations. Fortunately, I am getting a lot better at small talk. 

For me, and it may be my programming, I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I am friends with, I am what I would say, loyal to a fault. I drop everything I’m doing to help that friend. I say to a fault because I came to a conclusion that why do I bend over backwards for some of my friends but they don’t do the same for me? I’m not trying to say that my friends use me, I just realized that I don’t always have to say yes I can help them out all of the time. At the end of the day, I need to focus on myself and what actions I’m doing now that will get me closer to where I want to be.

I used to be a major people pleaser, but as I have gotten older, I don’t care about pleasing others anymore. And it’s been liberating for me. If people genuinely want to be a part of my life, that’s great. But I don’t need to bend over backward for people’s approval or feel compelled to do something that I don’t want to do. If I want to participate in a certain thing, then I will but I don’t do well with others telling me what to do or how to think. 

Thank you all for reading my rather fairly scatterbrained post. I’ll be posting more and I apologize for taking so long. I’ve been fairly busy in recent months and it feels great to be back to write more for you and also to convey my thoughts into words. I love you all and thanks again for your love and support in learning more about me and my story. Until next time, take care!